Rated: MA
Pairing: J/C
Summary: To the Cardassians, scum of the earth; to Kathryn Janeway, love of his life.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Length: 3451 words
Date: March 2003
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.
Everything I am and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be.
I'll never let you down even if I could.
I'd give up everything if only for your good.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
You can hold me when I'm scared but you won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone
~ "When I'm Gone", Three Doors Down
The trees ended and it appeared that there was nowhere in sight to run. Then the weeds started as she ran through miles and miles of cat tails and tiny river bed shrubs. The weeds whacked at her body and the plants scratched her face.
Somewhere in the run she had lost her commbadge and doubted if anyone was looking for her. She was to be gone on this command trip for days yet to come.
With the end of the Dominion War and their new alliance with Cardassia, the threat of war with the Cardassians, or the Breen or any of a number of species was low.
Kathryn looked behind her and after running for what felt like hours, her legs gave out. Her body slumped and she lay face down in the muck and the cold water, knowing that hypothermia would not have a chance to set in with her pursuers in hot pursuit. She took the last of her strength and flipped over seeing the menacing face of the Cardassian Gul looking at her as if she were a piece of meat.
Memories of years before when she and Admiral Paris were being pursued by these same species flooding her mind and her senses. Now years later those same creatures ran after her, but not because she was an enemy to the cause, but merely because her beau was a former Maquis.
To the Cardassians, scum of the Earth.
To Kathryn Janeway love of his life.
Kathryn felt herself being hefted up by two Cardassian, soldiers then the exhaustion and the stress of the past day took over and the darkness of her mind took over.
What lay ahead of her she wasn't sure, but her mind brought her to a nicer place and she only hoped she had the strength to make it through the days of torture she knew lay ahead of her.
*~*~*~*
Kathryn slowly opened her eyes and realized she was tied to a chair. Looking around she saw nothing a bright light shining in her eyes blinding her to anything which lay around. Anyone who chose to watch was permitted she assumed. Anything they chose to do…was allowed.
The gravely voice of a Cardassian leader resounded through the air. "Admiral Janeway. We have much to discuss, beginning with why a woman of your stature would court a former Maquis rebel and traitor."
Kathryn took in a long breath. This could take a while. These could be her last days. This could be the end of her life. "Who I chose to date, to be with is really none of your business or anyone else's except me and the man I choose to spend that time with."
The Cardassian laughed. "You won't even say his name, though we know who he is, and what he did. How many Cardassian soldiers, loyal to the Cardassian Empire do you think he murdered in cold blood over the years?" He paused. "It doesn't matter, this is not why we brought you here, although the satisfaction of knowing we are indeed putting the, what does the federation call you? The Delta Quadrant Darling, and the two of you, the Delta Duo, putting you in your places does make for an interesting day."
Kathryn brought her head up. "What did you do with Chakotay?"
"Ah so the prisoner speaks. Well, what and who we have is none of your concern, now I must begin, we'll start with the Kazon and work our way up shall we?"
"You'll get no information out of me."
The Cardassian laughed again. "Well we'll just have to see won't we?"
The Cardassian snarled, or maybe it was two Cardassians, Kathryn really wasn't sure. To think she made it all the way to the Alpha Quadrant, was assimilated by the Borg, got her crew home and all to end up with a Cardassian on her tail over crimes her lover and former Maquis committed. She wasn't sure if it was revenge for saving some of the Maquis from persecution or the knowledge she had acquired in the Delta Quadrant they wanted, but for whatever reason, Kathryn was once again at the hands of an Alpha Quadrant enemy, the most ruthless of their kind.
Kathryn closed her eyes as the scaly Cardassian hands hit her face. "I'll ask you again, what was the name of the Kazon leader?"
"I'll never answer your questions." And with that darkness took her over.
*~*~*~*~*
Chakotay looked around their house in Indiana. Kathryn wasn't back yet, he knew she was going on some sort of diplomatic mission but she had refused him any more information. Her work, as an Admiral in Starfleet stopped any questioning, and he respected her work space, and refused to give in to his curiosity and questioning. He worried every day if she'd come back to Starfleet headquarters alive or if he'd receive the dreaded phone call, stating one of her missions had not gone as planned and he'd be receiving his future wife in a body bag as opposed to the great Kathryn Janeway coming home with another diplomatic notch in her belt.
He stared at the setting Indiana sun, and heard in the background the beep of the communications system starting up. It was Gretchen, it was the dreaded one when Kathryn didn't come home and a surprisingly nice lady when she was around.
"Chakotay here, Gretchen what can I do for you?" He looked at the woman, she had been crying.
"Kathryn didn't come back. They said she'd been captured. They got the news, the Cardassians have her…"
Chakotay summed up all his inner strength. The demons from his past were invading his future, and possibly destroying it forever. He once again remembered why he had fought so long and hard to bring them to justice. They were the devil, the demons of his past, here to destroy his future.
*~*~*~*~*
Kathryn awoke from a deep sleep or what felt like a deep sleep. She'd been caged like an animal, all dignity stripped from her. Her cloths torn to shreds, and her hair mussed like the captive she was.
It had been two weeks by her calculations, the only way to keep track of the days, were with the beatings and the measly food she was allowed.
Her legs and her insides ached. From what she remembered she had been violated by many a Cardassian soldier, any who deemed her fit as a release of his pressures of the day.
How much longer she could hold out, she wasn't sure. She had not let slip a Starfleet secret, despite the hours of torture and battery. The words she has stated over and over again swimming through her head. Her name, her rank and her Starfleet serial number. The more days she spent in the camp getting beaten and abused the more she felt her willpower and her strength being depleted.
She had counted the days by counting the measly food given to her, and the beatings she received on what she assumed was a daily basis. Then there was the company that she was forced to take, whenever they felt like it.
She counted the days and prayed they had not given her up for dead and continued the search.
*~*~*~*~*
It had been 17 days since Kathryn had gone missing. They prayed for the best but prepared for the worst. She had apparently gone into a Cardassian stronghold hoping for a diplomatic solution to the minimal resources left after the Dominion War, but a people were hard to change and the Cardassians had to be one of the hardest.
He thought about all the different species they'd managed to meet and tame, who they'd managed to make friends of. Even the Borg had eventually listened to reason, or rather they'd assimilated it because it was deemed efficient.
But there was something about the Cardassians, something sinister that seemed barbaric even by Borg standards.
He just hoped that barbarism wasn't inflicted on Kathryn and if she died in that dingy place the Cardassians called home, he knew he'd see her again.
If not in this life in the next.
*~*~*~*~*
Kathryn stood before her captors, staring down the Cardassian she would have had to call an ally not two years ago. Today he was nothing but a peg in the life that was Kathryn Janeway. Today he was an enemy, today he would not hold her up or help her out but rather tear her down.
Kathryn looked down at her body, beyond the shreds of clothing and the shreds of dignity she saw the paleness and the frailness of a body that had once been toned and in shape.
Today she saw nothing but the body of a captive.
Today she did not see the Kathryn Janeway she had once known but rather the Kathryn Janeway of today and the Kathryn Janeway she did not even recognize.
She had held out and today, today she would hold out again; for today was yet another day of questioning and another day of torture and another day of rape. Rape of the body, the mind and the soul.
"Admiral Janeway, surely we can be friends. We can deal with this like two civilized human beings. About your encounters with the Borg. I know you still hold within you parts of the cybernetic implants, do tell us more about them, about you, about the one you liberated. Anika Hansen I believe is her name?"
Janeway stood up. "My name is Kathryn Janeway, rank, Admiral in the United Federation of Planets, and if you ever touch Seven or any of my crew, I will personally kill you."
The Cardassian let out a tooth-filled smile. "Ah but we've already had our way with her Admiral, and we will have it again."
Kathryn looked up. "I don't believe you, and if it's true, you won't live to see tomorrow." She paused,"My name is Kathryn Janeway, Admiral…"
*~*~*~*~*
Today was the day. She had been officially declared dead. Left for dead in the bowels of a Cardassian prison. But if he knew Kathryn Janeway which he did, she was still alive somewhere, fighting for her life.
Fighting for all of their lives and freedom, and it was on that day that he knew he truly loved Kathryn Janeway more than life itself and would never love another.
He walked over to the small ship he had stolen from the shipyard, the Delta Flyer and started up the out of date engines. Chakotay had, had enough one way or another he was going to get his Kathryn back. If Starfleet was going to do nothing and simply play the diplomatic game, then he would have to take matters into his own hands.
He left the shipyard and went off to try and contact an old friend. A man he would years ago have almost considered an enemy.
But he knew the pilot and his wife would be the best people for this cockeyed mission.
"Chakotay to Paris. You ready?"
Paris heard the message he had been waiting for since their former Captain went missing. "Yeah I'm ready, and B'Elanna's ready to go too. Sam's watching Miral for us."
"Alright here we go, transport commencing."
*~*~*~*~*
Kathryn couldn't deal with it anymore. Today would be the last day. She was done. The torture was just too much. She stood before the lights and stared into the abyss that was the interrogation chamber of the Cardassians.
She slouched and knew they could tell she was giving up. "I said stand up straight Admiral."
He said it with such contempt that it made her sick. That anyone could take human life as such a worthless thing, it appalled her. She stood up straighter and went to commence speaking, perhaps she could hold on a little longer. "My name is Kathryn Janeway…" Just as she felt her legs beginning to give way, she felt the familiar tingle of the transporter, and everything faded to black.
*~*~*~*~*
Now roaming through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone.
Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.
Everything I am and everything in me.
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be,
Ill never let you down even if I could.
I'd give up everything if only for your good.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone.
~ "When I'm Gone", Three Doors Down
Chakotay stood by the bed where Kathryn lay. Starfleet medical had insisted on transporting her there and the doctor, yes the very same that had taken care of them for years aboard the Voyager took care of her. Chakotay didn't really trust anyone else the way he trusted the doctor.
The scans continued, and the doctor took care of Kathryn as if she were his own child. This was a different experience for Chakotay considering how many more years Kathryn had lived than the doctor, but all the same he appreciated his attention to detail.
The doctor spent hours and days at her side. Her body had been severely depleted by the abuse it had taken over the many months with the Cardassians. What to do Chakotay wasn't sure. They could wake her and deal with the consequences, but there was something about letting her sleep and seeing her angelic face lying completely inert that just made him so happy.
It appeared as if all the problems of the world were gone when he looked at her face in this state.
Then two days after her return, the Doctor had some news for Chakotay. Kathryn was pregnant, with a hybrid child. This baby was half Cardassian half Human and he knew that she had been violated in the most private way possible.
Kathryn had been raped, had been taken advantage of and today was the day Kathryn would have to be woken up, would have to make the decision.
Chakotay wasn't sure he could raise a Cardassian child, he had thought he could when it was his with Seska but today with him and Kathryn, and their new fragile relationship he wasn't sure he could.
"She's pregnant; by the looks of it about 10 weeks." The doctor stated with a modicum of surprise and disdain. Chakotay had just taken in the information and walked out of the sickbay.
"I'll be back in one hour, then we'll have to make the decision. Wake her up and I'll give her the information."
Chakotay entered the holodeck and ordered the program B'Elanna had used many times before. He beat Cardassians and took in the information of Kathryn's condition. This would have to be her decision, he couldn't make this choice for her.
He walked back to sickbay forty minutes later, hand bleeding and torn.
The doctor didn't ask any question merely fixed him up with a look of pity on his face. His bedside manner had improved much over the years.
He walked over to her biobed. The doctor approached, with a hypospray. "You ready Chakotay? This is it?"
Chakotay nodded. "Let's do it. This is it."
The doctor pressed the hypospray to Kathryn's neck and Chakotay heard a moan. Her head turned from side to side and her eyes slowly opened. "Not again, I can't do it again."
Chakotay reached out and put a hand to her forehead, "It's okay Kathryn. You're back at Starfleet medical."
Janeway's eyes opened surprised. "Thank god, I couldn't do it anymore."
Chakotay nodded, tears in his eyes. "I know Kathryn, its okay though you're back. I got you back, I didn't think I'd ever see you again after you were gone for more than three months."
Janeway smiled. "You can't get rid of me that easily Chakotay."
Chakotay laughed, even in this dire time, she could make jokes. "Come on Kathryn, let's talk." The Doctor discreetly left the room.
"Kathryn we have to talk about what happened to you." Janeway lowered her head. "I know we've been trying for a baby, but it appears that you going off your boosters had a bad side effect while you were there, at the Cardassian prison."
Janeway's eyes watered. "Oh god, not again."
Chakotay looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
Janeway drew in a deep breath. "I can't do this again Chakotay." She paused, "Remember I told you once I was held in the Cardassian prison. I was with Justin at the time. I was raped and ended up pregnant. I couldn't do it then and I can't do it now Chakotay."
He looked at the strong woman in front of him. "Shh, Kathryn its okay. This is your decision. I'll understand whatever choice you make."
Janeway looked at him. "I love you so much Chakotay. I'm just not sure I could ever take care of a Cardassian baby, especially now that we've finally gotten it right."
Chaktoay sighed, "I know Kathryn, you have a couple of weeks to make the decision, why don't we go back home and we'll figure it out together if you want."
Kathryn nodded, "Okay, sounds good."
The Doctor approached. "Okay well you're free to go Admiral. I know you're now aware of your condition, and I know that Starfleet will probably want to debrief you. Take your time and when you've made a decision either come to me for prenatal care of if you choose to terminate, that's your right. I have omitted this from my log until you make a decision."
"Thank you Doctor. I'll see you probably tomorrow with a decision."
Now roaming through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone.
Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong.
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.
~ "When I'm Gone", Three Doors Down
Kathryn went home with Chakotay. "Chakotay, I can't do this. But I want to get married. I want to make this official, I don't care what people think."
Chakotay nodded and held her while she cried. She cried out her demons from that day and the discovery that she was carrying the devil's child. "Chakotay let's go see the Doctor in the morning."
"Okay Kathryn, whatever you want." She didn't tell him her decision only that they had to go see the doctor. He didn't want to push her, she would come to him when the time came.
Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
~"I'm With You", Avril Levigne
The next morning they went to see the doctor. Kathryn knew what she wanted and it was only a matter of time before Chakotay knew too.
She exited the Doctor's office and stated, "It's done."
And Chakotay knew what she had done. Knew that it might take her time to deal with it, but knew that she had made the decision that was right for her.
*~*~*~*~*
Four months later, Kathryn approached Chakotay. "I'm pregnant." Chakotay took Kathryn and swung her around. Even though it had been only four months since the last time she had been in this condition and last time it had been a time of sorrow, this time it was a time of joy and to rejoice.
He thanked the gods every day.
And he thanked Kathryn more.
THE END